Winter Wolf Forge

Last part of this 3 phase extravaganza is a little introspection on pain.

Recap: I got my tonsils LASER BEAMED out of my face resulting in massive cauterization. Then it began healing, scabs fell off, and my body continued it’s task of building about 6 square inches of flesh that the human body doesn’t normally have. Somewhere in there I was not allowed to take pain killers for 36 hours, and for most of the 10 day process, I was unable to swallow without pain, nor sleep longer then a few hours.

This is not an attempt at pity harvesting, I don’t need it. The experience was rough at times, but rewarding already and my throat isn’t even fully healed! My point is: I spent ten days intimately and closely familiar with my own pain. Lived in it. Moved in it. Like the ambient sounds of the ocean on a summer hike at the coast, or the feeling of your clothes on your skin throughout the day. ever present, almost ignorable, and yet nagging and nipping at your consciousness. You get so used to it that you forget it’s there. Or is that just me?

I have always had a higher pain tolerance then most people. But I think what I realized in this process was that my tolerance is not physical. Pain is a signal like any other. Same as feeling hot, cold, a soft feather, a light breeze. It is a basic signal being received from the nerve endings and sent to the brain. The difference here is we have a distinct and instinctual understanding that this particular signal is BAD. The question is, why? The pharmeceutical industry produces a plethora of pain killers. As a society we encourage deadening these signals as quickly and effectively as possible. And why not, they do tend to make daily activities more difficult don’t they?

In my case I have somehow naturally re-aligned my processing to read these signals as something else. Of course severe or sudden pain can still catch me off guard. But for the most part I am able to receive and understand these signals as messages and not debilitating distractions. What is pain? Pain is the body telling us something potentially detrimental is or might be happening. Heat pain suggest imminent burning. Stinging pain can suggest penetration of the protective skin layers. Cuts, scrapes, burns, concussive injuries; they all have different sensations. Even entirely disregarding the fact that the body puts the pain where the issue is, the type of pain can suggest muscular threats, ligament threats, joint issues, organ trauma, digestive concern. It can suggest potentially debilitating motions are immanent, or that internal issues are present. The thing that most people seem to overlook is that Pain is not a single sensation to be avoided, but a complex map of warning signs from the body. The type of pain can suggest any number of potential hazards or concerns. a language unto itself.

When I was in the midst of the 36 hour no pain-killer zone, the sensation of pain expanded to encompass most of my existence. I lived in it and attempted to continue despite it. But pain wears us down. Makes us tired. and that point is when a curious thing happened. When I got too tired of fighting the pain by ignoring it, I tried a new tactic: I bathed in it. Like thick fog in the forest I trudged straight in and wandered. Felt it drift amongst the trees and brush my face. Felt the thermal fluctuations and watched the swirls of mist. I saw the pain like a tangible thing and moved to intercept, interact, and even play with it. The amazing thing is, in these moments, the Pain became something else. Even more then before, it became nothing more then a signal. I was able to feel the origin, need, and message. I could perceive the story my body was telling me.

This has happened once or twice before. Most memorably, when I got severe food poisoning, which was possibly a food-allergy reaction. Long story short I ate 4 and a half habinero cheese balls deep fried in hot chili oil with habinero salsa. Before I had even gotten the 2nd one down I was sweating, my ears had pressurized, I had a light fever, and my intestines had begun locking to block the evil I had consumed. by the end of number 4 I knew something was wrong beyond the absurd notion of eating those monstrosities. (Side Note: I LOVE spicy food. Apparently in this case I either had a food poisoning or allergic reaction to the habineros?) I spent almost 3 hour standing by the dumpster outside the restaurant which felt like a life age, drove home in complete blackout (no recollection of the drive at all), and promptly threw up in the bathroom before passing out on the floor of my parent’s living room. As I did this recent case, at some point a realized many things about myself and Pain in those moments.

In the end I guess what I want people to take away most is that Pain is not evil. it holds no ill will or malicious intent. It is not out to get you. Pain is a message from your body telling you that something is wrong. the location, sensation, and severity are all parts of the message. My tolerance goes up with every moment I experience pain because I add to my catalog even more references to base future signals on. I become more familiar with Pain’s intricacies, like a familiar house, or a lover. This is not a super power. I am still human (mostly). Give it a shot. Next time something hurts, pause for a second to interpret the signals. Delve into the mysteries of your own early warning system. It’s fun, I swear.