Why Love is “A Mystery”
The world is defined by systems. Or rather, to be more specific, human being derive systematic descriptions and quantitative scales to asses everything in our universe. We are creatures of labels and definitions. Who is the hunter, who is the man, what is green, why does an apple fall. We spend a very large portion of our collective lives working to describe and label things. Yes, there are creative fields of professional intent. The sculpture, the painter, the mechanic. But even these activities of humanity are built upon systems of definition and description. To be a metalsmith you must know what a hammer is which metal is gold or silver. To be a warrior you must know what a hilt is, what a guard is. Even in cultures or fields where these definitions aren’t used, there is still some way of defining and labeling everything in order to communicate. we spend countless collective hours going to school so we can label all the latin names of the bones in the body, or describe dark matter accurately. We spend countless collective hours researching the cosmos, labeling and defining, even though these things were around millennia before us and will be much after. The point I am making is that we like to know what we are seeing, because it gives us a sense of control. We know in math that two plus two equals four, and it has been that way since before math, but we derived these words -plus, minus, equals, etc- to define something that already occurs without definition. We know in biology that the finger bones are phalanges; we know in economics that to optimize profit margin we must raise costs as high as the demanding market will allow while simultaneously dropping cost of production as low as we can manage. The key here is that WE know these things. As a collective race these are universal concepts based on universal(more or less) systems of label and definition. Your profit margin is defined by the same criteria as mine, as mine; my trigonometry is the same as yours.
How love comes in. Love is similar in that we define it with a system of labels as well. Many of which are directly related to the system of labels we’ve made for emotions. Like, love, lust, long term, happy, depressed, disappointed, frustrated, angry, girlfriend, husband, spouse, fiance. These words are all universally accepted, but there’s a catch. Some of them have a broader range of meaning. Some are hard to even define. We’ve given them a name and don’t even really know what they mean. Others have different meanings by different people. your love may not be the same as my love, and it’s certainly not the same as a five year old’s love. But we all still use the word. I think that “I love you” is more meaningful then saying “Love you”, and I think that there is a big difference between “making love” and “having sex”, even in a closed relationship. But others might disagree. The big key here is that, not only is the system of labels and definition for love not entirely pinned down like math or chemistry, but that even in a relationship it is not the same across the board. When two people talk of math there is a specific outcome, and even in the extremely theoretical mathematics there are systems developing that are specific. My f(x)=2-b is the same as yours. With love, or specifically relationships, while there is a universal dictionary, the values are not always the same. I may love you “a whole lot” and you may love me “a whole lot” but in rough times your “whole lot” might not be enough for it to be worth it to stay. Mine may be plenty. This becomes a problem because we can’t balance these situations. If you do more of the dishes I can do more of the laundry and effectively balance the time and effort contribution of the relationship, but if I only love you so-so, you can’t balance it out by loving me “a shit-ton”. Our understanding of universal definition and balance-able concepts doesn’t apply to love, and I think this is why it’s considered a mystery.
What this means, I suppose, is that in order for a relationship to last each person defines their half; their 50%. I cannot define or value more then 50%, and I have no choice but to value at least 50%. I can determine what it’s worth, what it’s not worth, what I want and don’t want, but in the end, both 50% must be complete, and acceptable to their respective parties, for the relationship to continue. If I choose not to really know what I expect of the relationship, I’ve not valued my half. And likewise if you have determined exactly what your 50% is, or even have no idea, but deem it not worth it, no amount of compensation on my end will fix that. I can simply try to effect my 50% in the hopes that it will make you revalue yours, but in the end, we are each given the vote, and the answer must be unanimous or it won’t function.
Moral of the story… make sure you know what you want and don’t want. What you expect and don’t expect, what you’re willing to go lax on and what you are going to stick to your guns about. Make sure you know all these things, and then determine if you still want it. In the end, don’t try to make any decisions or value assessments on what you think the other person wants, or what is good for them, because you’re removing their option to choose, and forfeiting your own. Don’t base your decisions on what your parents think or your friends think, or whether it will be hard or easy, simply base it on what you think, what you want, what it’s worth to you. If both people do the same thing, and communicate these thoughts, then there can be no discrepancy or misunderstanding. No one has to be stuck in a relationship unhappy, and neither party will feel pressured, knowing that they get to make their choice entirely on their own.
